10 Things John Henry Can Buy With $300 Million Instead of Paying Rafael Devers

Nov 30, 2022 - 1:14 PM

According to Jon Heyman, Red Sox third baseman Rafael Devers is asking for $300 million in regards to his contract extension. Also according to Jon Heyman, the Red Sox have offered to pay Rafael Devers just $220 million. Sure, this gap is only $80 million and the two could definitely come to an agreement before Devers’ deadline of Opening Day 2023. But, I think John Henry should put his foot down and say “No! I will not pay our franchise third baseman what he’s worth!”. I think John Henry could better spend that money! Here are some of my ideas!

42,857,142 Baseballs

$7 dollars a ball.

As the Boston Red Sox are a baseball team, these would be useful to have laying around.

1,714,285 Bats

$175 dollars a bat.

Kind of the same idea as the balls. It’s not that hard to find a use for these.

250 Rob Refsnyders

$1.2 million a Rob.

Would 250 Rob Refsnyders running around be practical? Probably not. I mean, only 26 of them could even be on the Major League roster. I guess you could throw another 28 Robs in Worcester. Then another 28 in Portland. Actually, it would take just 116 Robs to fill out the whole minor league system. Hey! Maybe this could work!

3,750,000 Adult Male Gorilla Suits

$80 dollars a suit.

Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

Now, would Henry and co. ever have a need for almost 4 million of these things? Absolutely not. But, you never know when your General Manager might want to resign and avoid the reporters outside Fenway Park.

20,000,000 Copies of “Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning”

$15 dollars a copy.

Perhaps Mr. Henry wants to juice the sales numbers of his old buddy Curt’s venture into the video game business. It’s probably a little late, though, considering the whole “almost bankrupting the state of Rhode Island” thing.

8,823,529 Yoda Masks

$34 dollars a mask.

Photo by STUART CAHILL/AFP via Getty Images

One of the greatest dugout moments in Red Sox history was when Pedro Martinez threw a Yoda mask on in the middle of the game. Who wouldn’t want to see this 9 million more times! Not me!

0.681 % of Twitter

Twitter was sold for $44 billion last month.

Would John Henry be better at running Twitter than one Elon Musk? I can not possibly imagine he would be worse.

2 of Alberto Giacometti’s L’Homme au doigt Sculpture*

The sculpture sold for $141.3 million in 2015.

Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Mets’ Owner Steve Cohen was actually the buyer of this sculpture in 2015. A second sculpture doesn’t actually exist, but for the purpose of this article, we can just imagine it does. More owners should spend like Steve Cohen does, it’s healthy for the sport. It would be a real statement for John Henry to spend big on two of these magnificent sculptures, and NOT his third baseman.

*I couldn’t find an image of the actual sculpture but it looks extremely similar to the one in the image I used.

714 PSA 10 1999 First Edition Charizard Pokemon Cards

1 was sold for $420,000 in March 2022.

Photo by Louis Grasse/PxImages/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

John Henry has already seen his team become World Series Champions four times. Maybe now he sets his sights on becoming a Pokemon Master.

174 Productions of No, No, Nanette

No, No, Nanette cost $100,000 in 1921, that is $1,722,612 in 2022 dollars.

You know the story. It goes something like: In 1919, Red Sox owner Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees for $100,000 in order to fund his Broadway production of No, No, Nanette. Now, it eventually got disproved that the Babe Ruth trade occurred for this reason (It was actually to help pay off Fenway Park’s mortgage), but I always say that you should never let facts get in the way of a good joke. Maybe John Henry wants to dip his toe into the world of the performing arts. Who would we be to deny that for him?

Or, he could just pay Rafael Devers

Please.