Truck Yeah: What I’d Bring To Spring Training

Feb 3, 2023 - 12:00 PM

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Truck Day: it’s the most wonderful tease of the year for Red Sox Nation.

The smell of the infield grass, the feel of a glove’s leather, the sound of the bat on ball—all of those things are still a handful of weeks away, but at least we get to watch a bunch of dudes throw all that equipment into an 18-wheeler before it sets course for Fenway South in Fort Myers, Florida.

Truck Day in Boston for some is just another distraction before the serious business gets underway, but we can at least point to it as a milestone that reads, “Hey, would ya look at that: Opening Day is drawing near. Soon enough, friends. It’s all gonna be biscuits and gravy in due time. Good times are just around the corner!”

That’s a lot of words to put on a milestone, but I digress.

With Truck Day upon us on this blessed Friday, what better time to ponder the age-old question: what would you, dear reader of Over The Monster, bring down to the Sunshine State for Spring Training? I’ve got my list ready.

Seven Tons of Sunblock

One thing about me that I’m sure you’ve deducted by my name: I’m Irish.

Having that blood in me is fantastic, but it’s not without its shortcomings. One of those side effects of being very Irish is that I am not one that’s known to tan. My pasty mayo ass is not gonna be putting up much of a fight against the Florida sun without some sunblock being consistently applied.

I’m thinking seven tons of the SPF 70, the good stuff, should do me the trick for at least the first few weeks. I may need to have my plug on speed dial in case I need more but that’s a good start.

One Bluetooth Speaker to Play “Macho Man” by the Village People On Demand

Surely other Bluetooth speakers will be down at Fort Myers, but I need this one specifically dedicated to Masataka Yoshida’s theme song. Our newest Japanese king needs to be welcomed with open arms, and the Red Sox players and staff members would be better off knowning this song by heart. Plus: it’s just a banger, baby. What a song!

Fenway’s gonna be blasting it all summer long. Everybody might as well get used to it.

My Entire Coldplay Record Collection

Photo by Lester Cohen/Getty Images

This is admittedly a selfish choice, but I have a strategy here.

Chris Martin’s the name of the lead singer of British band Coldplay. Chris Martin’s also the name of a member of Boston’s new-and-improved bullpen group. One name, two men.

As Over The Monster’s residential Coldplay Guy (which, ironically enough, is also the name of another member of the band) I feel like this spring could be a perfect time to pull off a masterfull gambit.

The plan:

Step 1. Approach Red Sox Chris Martin with the albums and a Sharpie.

Step 2. Ask him to sign the covers.

Step 3. Go on to tell everyone that Chris Martin has signed each and every one of my Coldplay records as I put them up for sale.

Step 4. Profit.

This—technically speaking—isn’t lying! They won’t be signed by theeeeeeeee Chris Martin, but I’ll never claim as such on the eBay listing. There have been nine studio albums released by the group, so we’re talking some major revenue here. Soon enough I’ll be able to buy the Red Sox outright with my newfound riches.

Besides, I know you fine people won’t snitch on me. It’ll be our little secret.............right?

One Copy of “Faith Rewarded” Digitally Remastered in 4K

What better way to set the tone for the new season than with this piece of cinematic genius?

We will be playing “Faith Rewarded” nonstop. I’m talking a full 24-hour loop. No stopages for meals, games, fire and brimstone, anything. This thing’s gonna be like the tutorial channel on your cable box that teaches you how to use the clicker: it just plays again and again and again in the clubhouse. Hell, hook it up to the outfield scoreboard at JetBlue Park if we have to.

The players will be able to recite the entire thing from start to finish by the time the first game against BC or Northeastern or whichever local college is set to begin. This will be a full-on indoctrication, Big Brother style.

The 2023 Red Sox will win by any means neccesary if I have any say in the matter; I am not above this psyop program.

My Right Elbow, For Science

I am also not above sacrificing my body parts for the betterment of the club.

The news of Trevor Story’s elbow injury and subsequent surgery was a wet blanket thrown onto Boston’s outlook. With the middle infielder set to miss the first few months of the new campaign—if not more—drastic measures may have to be made.

That’s why I will personally volunteer for the cause. Does the medical team need a practice elbow for any treatment to Story? Say no more, I’m in there. Need a ligament? I won’t need a ulnar collateral ligament to blog anyways. How about the whole damn arm? It’s 2023, there’s text-to-speech technology out there. I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.

400 Cases of Beer and 300 Family-Style Buckets of Fried Chicken

Photo by Jonathan Wiggs/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

The time to heal is upon us, folks.

The chicken and beer fiasco of 2011 is long gone. Two World Series titles have been won by the club since then, and now the entire affair is just freaking hilarious—so funny, in fact, that I think we should run it back in Spring Training. Who wouldn’t want to crush a couple of cold ones and mow down on some wings with the fellas? That’s the Dudes Rock lifestyle, baby.

You may argue that it starts the team off on the wrong foot. It’s unhealthy and it would set a bad example, you contend.

My retort: it’s Florida. All bets are off. I say you do as the Romans do when in Rome.

Exactly Zero Bicycles

Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

This black cloud of Red Sox history is not one I’d like to revisit, though.

Too soon. I’m not risking another bike-related injury, sorry. This is a case of addition by subtraction.

The weather down south may tempt someone to take a little joy ride on the bike, but if I’m in charge we’re getting everywhere via golf cart. Four wheels is better than two in this situation.

One Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man Holding A Sign That Gives The Sullivan Tire Guy The Wrong Directions to Fenway South

You know the dude from the Sullivan Tire commercials?

Yeah, don’t need him around Fenway South. Thanks but no thanks.

I’m sure he’s a nice enough of a dude. I’m sure he means well. But man, I just can’t risk having his vibes around the team when they’re trying to bond for the first time as a group this year.

I feel like the Sullivan Tire guy perpetually hides behind corners before jumping out of nowhere to tell you about the latest deal on a new set of Goodyears. While I appreciate that I can get one free if I buy three, I’m too busy making sure there’s another parade in Boston this fall. Why doesn’t he go and make sure the tires on the Duck Boats are ready, eh?

I would assume this would require a custom order well in advance, but it’s something to remember for 2024.

For now, though, enjoy Truck Day 2K23. We’re that much closer to the real thing.