Imagine the White Sox losing to the Diamondbacks

Mar 20, 2023 - 11:30 PM

Happy Monday, White Sox fans, and happy first-postgame-coverage-of-the-2023-preseason to me. Thanks to the lack of a televised, or even audio broadcast, I’m confined to my computer, forced to unlock the magic of my imagination while I gaze half-heartedly at this poorly-rendered graphic in front of me.

White Sox fans, I’m crawling in the sewer at the bottom tier of sports journalism, as I refresh my browser in anticipation of even the smallest morsel of information to report to you. What a joy it is to listen to the White Sox game on the radio, as it hearkens back to lighthearted memories of playing catch with a non-regulation ball and glove in a random parking lot while the game plays in the background. Ah, the good old days before covid, or even before 9/11, when — NOPE. I’m not doing it. No creative writing today. Focus on the game.

The White Sox are losing, 4-0, in the bottom of the second inning, so it’s difficult to get into this poorly-rendered game graphic. Do you see the little microphone next to the pickoff attempt? You can’t click on it, and there’s no audio.

Thanks for the tease, Major League Baseball, for my heart rate finally crested to 56 bpm at the thought of hearing something other than my own breathing.

Back to the game, then. What’s it like to report on a game with no video or audio? Bryan Shaw has replaced starting pitcher Franklin Germán after less than two innings, and he immediately walked Carson Kelly, then threw four straight balls and walked Emmanuel Rivera.

I take you live, to the game action:

Ball
Ball
Ball
Ball
Ball
Ball
Ball
Ball

*little microphone that does nothing but mocks you*

One of the most agonizing parts of this unbroadcast is that viewers are cruelly subjected to commercials in-between innings. For shame, Major League Baseball. Commercials with sound, which cut to silence when the game resumes? Put me on suicide watch until this game is over.

Here’s a little palate-cleansing reward for sticking with me this long:

Give Lance Lynn whatever the hell he wants, please.

Back to the game. You can’t get angry at Spring Training baseball at this point in the season, as our guys need to get conditioned, otherwise there will be inj—

Welp.

Type F in the chat for Eloy. Looks like Jake Burger’s on the menu for DH on Opening Day.

I’ve been so excited for my first game coverage of the year, and I didn’t expect it to include sitting on my ass and hallucinating for three fucking hours, creating a game that’s dripping with colorful fallacy, in an attempt to retain my sanity.

In my off-the-mark imagination, Tim Anderson (not in the lineup) is smirking at the pitcher and flipping bats for absolutely no reason, even after striking out by a mile. Yoán Moncada (not in the lineup) is wearing a romper and looks exactly like he appeared in his music video, and he’s robbed not once, not twice, not three times, but four entire times at the track, because this is Spring Training, and it’s OK. Eloy (in the lineup, but playing right field) “Hi Moms!” and waves to the camera every 49 seconds and is not injured because he coughed wrong and pulled a muscle (I don’t know if that’s what happened, but there’s no way to know SINCE I CAN’T SEE THE FUCKING GAME).

Oh, wow, we scored. Check out this exciting highlight:

On a serious note, be excited about Hanser Alberto. He’s making both offensive and defensive moves, and I can’t wait to watch him. Or anything really.

Ultimately, the Diamondbacks ended up smashing the White Sox, 7-3. Something that pissed me off during the game is that unbearable egomaniac on the Diamondbacks. You know the one, so I don’t have to say his name. Just look at that smug face.

On a more serious note, postgame the White Sox made eight more cuts, including a couple players from today’s game (providing, with their AI-standardized faces, they can be located in camp):

OK, so I ended last season with palpable pessimism, which carried through to the offseason, until we finally had a full 40-man roster. My optimism has grown over the past few weeks, despite the injuries over the past 24 hours. With a mere 10 days until Opening Day, I’ve readied my 2023 White Sox bingo card, just to be true to form. Jokes aside, I do have faith this year that the White Sox will outperform their record last year, despite injuries or misfortunes.

Regular season baseball won’t fail to make fans feel better in the ways it has done so historically, whether or not we’ve had a promising offseason. Though winter may technically be over, spring never really starts until baseball does, even if it is snowing on our good guys.

On an optimistic note, MLB.com writer Will Leitch is calling for a White Sox Central Division win for the fourth year in a row, with a prediction that the Good Guys will win 90 games in the 2023 regular season. This was written before Eloy’s injury, and likely before Moncada’s, so it may be best to temper your expectations.

Despite the offseason drama and tumult, I’m committed to being a White Sox fan for the 41st year in a row, and I’ll be cheering on the South Siders until my dying day. Just don’t expect another MLB Gameday Video and Audio-free postgame coverage from me ever again without seeing my gravestone.