The Sacramento Kings have a laser beam and the Dallas Mavericks must respond

Nov 24, 2022 - 6:00 PM

The start to this most recent NBA season has been a strange one. The Jazz were supposed to tank, but now they’re leading the West. The Nets were supposed to be a superteam but now they’ve fired their coach and KD hates all his teammates. The Lakers… well, they suck, as expected. And seemingly every other team is mired between eight and 10 wins.

With the field this wide-open and no team outside of perhaps Milwaukee and Boston quite sure how to feel, it’s been hard for respective fan bases to align their expectations. That is, with one huge exception.

The Sacramento Kings have a laser beam, and their fans are fully bought in.

The Kings have been solid this season so far, sitting at 9-6, good for fifth in the West, but you won’t find a fan base more locked in and supportive of their squad. And it’s all because of a giant beam that shoots out of the top of the stadium.

On the other hand, the Dallas Mavericks have started the season aimlessly. Luka Doncic is playing out of his mind, trying to make up for the loss of Jalen Brunson, the playoff hero Reggie Bullock can’t find the bottom of the net, Tim “he’s like adding a free agent” Hardaway Jr is unequivocally rusty, and the actual new addition, Christian Wood can’t seem to find minutes. The vibes are in absolute shambles. There needs to be some kind of symbolic gesture this fanbase can get behind to celebrate wins while the team finds its footing, and it’s sure as hell not the new Mavs Man. Never worry. I have some suggestions.

Release a live horse onto the court

Just shove it out there and let it go do its thing. What would happen? Who knows, it’s a live horse. It’s a celebration!

The yearly jersey updates have been a fun new wrinkle to the NBA season. Dallas has had some winners, some losers, and a lot in between. One thing that hasn’t changed, though, is the Mavs’ actual branding and logo. It’s still the Horse-ketball. The horse imagery is something that has only ever been tangentially related to the Mavericks, so this would be a great opportunity to solidify that connection.

The Mavs’ Hammer

After every win, fans should get to take turns destroying various sections of the American Airlines Center with a sledgehammer.

The beam speaks to a franchise that has long been devoid of reasons for hope. Drafting Marvin Bagley over Luka Doncic is the most recent reason for their despair, but there are many. That’s why the beam is genius. A literal beacon of light, cutting through the darkness of the night and, indeed, the darkness of the fan psyche itself.

The situation in Dallas is a little different. As the benefactors of the Kings’ drafting malfeasance, they have their superstar in Luka Doncic. They’ve had recent playoff success — just last year advancing to the Western Conference Finals. But with a roster that has at once remained both stagnant and yet uniquely grim in a different way year after year, these fans are a group with a mindset ready to tilt towards destruction at the drop of a hat. Let them destroy the AAC.

Dallas Mavericks’ Governor Mark Cuban has stated that the odds the team stays in the American Airlines Center through its 2031 lease is “less than 50%.” If that really is the case, why not get the demolition started early? The Mavericks should play their final game of the 2023 season on a court surrounded by rubble, roof torn open, evoking the Roman Colosseum, an arena where combatants go to fight and die. A fitting scene for a fanbase overwhelmed by bloodlust.

Drop Dirk Nowitzki from the rafters on a bungie cable

Yeah, he has bad knees and ankles, that’s why I said he should be dropped in while suspended by a bungie cable. It’s low-impact.

If the wholesale annihilation of the building is a step too far, maybe appeal to nostalgic instincts of the crowd. Plans for his eventual statue outside the area are still in the works, so in the meantime, why not give the fans a look at the man himself.

Once the final horn sounds, the “Dirk Door ‘’ swings open in the ceiling and the former Maverick legend is dangled above half court to the cheers of everyone. This team as constructed has very clear issues. Issues that can’t be fixed because Dallas is already over the cap next season. That being the case, don’t encourage any forward-looking idealism with regards to proper drafting and team building. Just remind people of the good old times. DIIIIIIRK!