What If We Held a Wolves Themed All-Star Weekend?

Feb 2, 2023 - 4:00 PM

The 2023 NBA All-Stars reserves will be announced tonight and there might not be any excitement. Not for the Minnesota Timberwolves, at least. Their consistently inconsistent play led to understandably poor fan, player, and media votes for the starters. Here is the list of Wolves who did receive some player votes:

• Anthony Edwards (22)
• Rudy Gobert (15)
• Kyle Anderson (12)
• D’Angelo Russell (11)
• Jaden McDaniels (8)
• Karl-Anthony Towns (3)
• Taurean Prince (3)
• Naz Reid (2)
• Jordan McLaughlin (1)
• Luka Garza (1)
• Nathan Knight (1)
• Josh Minott (1)
• Bryn Forbes (1)

The coaches and Adam Silver may follow suit if no Wolves appear as reserves or injury replacements. How would I feel about Anthony Edwards inevitably getting “snubbed”?

But that’s okay. We’re here to bring you our very own personal version of All-Star Weekend! Instead of billion dollar corporations splattering their advertisements all over a popularity contest generated weekend of basketball, Canis Hoopus has taken matters into their own hands. We present to you...

Wolves All-Star Weekend

Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images

TSR Injury Law All-Star Celebrity Game

Team Kevin McHale (NBA Legend)

• Wally Szczerbiak (Retired Timberwolves)
• Nikola Peković (Retired Timberwolves - Businessman)
• Lindsay Whalen (Retired Lynx)
• Sylvia Fowles (Retired Lynx)
• Adam Thielen (Current Vikings)
• Byron Buxton (Current Twins)
• Kirill Kaprizov (Current Wild)
• Michael Grady (Current Wolves play-by-play commentator)
• Lizzo (Singer-Songwriter)
• Yung Gravy (Rapper)

Team Sam Mitchell (NBA Legend?)

• Kevin Garnett (Retired Timberwolves)
• Troy Hudson (Retired Timberwolves)
• Maya Moore (Retired Lynx)
• Seimone Augustus (Retired Lynx)
• Randy Moss (Retired Vikings)
• Lindsey Vonn (Former Olympian)
• Kevin Harlan (Former Wolves play-by-play commentator)
• Bob Dylan (Singer-Songwriter)
• Neil Olstad (Singer-Songwriter - Koo Koo Kanga Roo)
• Slug (Rapper - Atmosphere)

A North Star-studded weekend opens with the celebrity game, filled with Minnesota’s most popular celebrities and athletes. This game was made possible by TSR Injury Law, who has offered to help cover any medical bills for injuries to the participants age 50+. Kevin McHale’s team is led by a few retired Wolves and Lynx legends, backed up with a handful of more current Minnesota athletes, singer-songwriters, and play-by-play commentator Michael Grady.

On the other sideline we have Sam Mitchell’s team, spearheaded by one of his best friends, Kevin Garnett and one of his best friends, Troy “Laker Killer” Hudson. Lynx legends Maya Moore and Seimone Augustus start alongside that duo. Mitchell’s bench is a bit longer in the tooth, featuring mostly former athletes and musicians. However, Canis Hoopus’ very own Neil Olstad, of Wolvescast, rounds out the team with some fresh legs and a fresher Canis Hoopus tee.

Star Tribune

Leo’s Prediction: This festivity garners the largest audience of the entire weekend. From fans of the Vikings, Twins, and Wild showing up, to those who are just there to watch an 81-year-old Bob Dylan get granny shots up during shootaround. There’s something for everyone. A big crowd is on hand for Kevin Garnett, of course, but it’s Lynx Nation that is out in full force to support the most successful professional sports franchise in Minnesota.

The game begins with Team Sam Mitchell sprinting out of the blocks. KG gets an effective two-person game going with Mone, who both swish mid-rangers like it’s 2006. It’s clear they’re both two of the more prepared players this evening. One of the largest cheers from the crowd comes when KG catches an oop from Randy Moss. Sure, Kevin only finishes it with a layup, but still. Glen Taylor misses that moment, as he’s being cornered by Big Pek and his “associates” who are inquiring about a “business opportunity” to get in with the new ownership group. Glen’s personal security guard is busy trying to hunt down a vintage “Fire McFail” sign in the crowd.

Photo by Marko Metlas/Euroleague Basketball via Getty Images

The tables quickly turn once the benches sub in. You have three professional athletes at or near their physical prime (Team McHale), sprinting up and down the court against three people who are 50 or older (Team Mitchell). There is a fun moment where Kevin Harlan calls for iso against Michael Grady. “I’m about to suck the gravity out right out of Target Center!” he jests. Grady allows Harlan to “blow by” him just to swat his layup attempt into the first row. Grady yells out his signature “BOOM!” call. Just as swiftly as Team Mitchell accrued a sizeable lead, Team McHale evens things out, forcing Sam to reinsert his starting lineup again. Lizzo is now in the crowd looking for Karl-Anthony Towns.

KG’s intense competitive streak has predictably not disappeared. He intentionally seeks mismatches against the 5’10” Kaprizov and screams for the ball in the low post. He bullies his way for layup after layup, spewing something about Karill’s family and cereal along the way. Whalen and Wally Fowles try to calm down a now pumped up Garnett, reminding him that this is just a charity event. KG has now willed his team back ahead by 20 with no one willing to engage him in actually trying to win the game. To him, nothing in Minnesota has seemed to change. He glares at Glen Taylor throughout his tour de force with a “You can’t win without me!” attitude. The game ends with a fun “dunk off” featuring a Garnett two-handed double pump, a surprisingly impressive windmill by Byron Buxton, and capped off with a Fowles one-hander to the crowd’s delight. KG earns his second All-Star Game MVP and let’s out a roar.

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Photo by Jeff Haynes/NBAE via Getty Images

Menard’s Rising Stars

Team Pablo Prigioni

• Wendell Moore Jr.
• Josh Minott
• Emmanuel Mudiay (Iowa)

Team Micah Nori

• Luka Garza
• Matt Ryan
• DJ Carton (Iowa)

Due to the lack of rookies and second-year players on the team, Minnesota opts to go with a 3-on-3 format and include a pair of Iowa Wolves call-ups for this event. The sponsor, Menards, forces the younglings to wear Menards-themed jerseys.

Leo’s Prediction: Team Prigioni continuously double Garza in the paint, allowing Matt Ryan to miss a number of wide open 3s. Minott and Moore gobble them up with their defensive tenacity in a one-sided victory. Tim Connelly is thrilled at the result and though Minott is named Menard’s Rising Stars MVP, Connelly opts to sign former Nugget, Emmanuel Mudiay, to a 3-year $15M contract. Some say it’s an overpay. He says he’s making a splash.

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Photo by Jordan Johnson/NBAE via Getty Images

Diapers.com Skills Challenge

Team “Fire Away”

• D’Angelo Russell
• Jaylen Nowell
• Bryn Forbes

Team “Oldies”

• Taurean Prince
• Kyle Anderson
• Austin Rivers

Team “Big Fellas”

• Naz Reid
• Nathan Knight
• Luka Garza

What requires more skill: Dribbling and passing a basketball, or learning how to diaper a baby? Marc Lore attempts to bring back his now defunct company, Diapers.com, as nine Wolves players are split into three teams. The volume scorers shooters are lumped together, the vets are grouped together, and the three-headed backup bigs form the final team.

Leo’s Prediction: Team “Fire Away” does not review the rules, opt to abandon the predetermined game plan, and just improvise. Upon learning that they have to pass the ball, they immediately withdraw from the competition.

Team “Oldies” face off against “Big Fellas” and instead of a spirited duel, the “Oldies” phone in their effort. The crowd could hear Rivers and Prince grumbling under their breath when stating, “We really wasting our time with this? We should be practicing.”

The power of friendship and chemistry prevail, as Team “Big Fellas” has a ton of fun on their way to victory. It’s rumored that they practiced for this exact competition during their summer workouts together.

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Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

Culver’s 3-Point Contest

Participants:

• Kyle Anderson (.420)
• Taurean Prince (.419)
• Jaden McDaniels (.392)
• Matt Ryan (.387)
• D’Angelo Russell (.383)
• Anthony Edwards (.368)

What better sponsor for a three point contest than a local restaurant chain known for an ice cold dessert and also shares their name with a former Wolves marksman? I’m talking about Culver’s! The six contestants selected are based on their three-point shooting percentages at the time of voting. Sorry, “specialist” Bryn Forbes.

Leo’s Prediction: The participants begin in reverse order of their 3P%, thus Edwards goes first. Though he has a strong showing, he’s disqualified upon video review for stepping on the three-point line on a number of his makes. Next, Russell is up and gets extremely hot, nailing 25 of 27 shots and easily advances to the final round. Betting favorite Matt Ryan lines up for his shots, but is only able to make his corner 3s. McDaniels literally goes 50% from the field which is respectable, but not enough to advance. He emotionlessly mutters “Naz Reid” as he walks off the court. Prince uses the roar of the crowd and the energy from teammates doing his “3-Point Explosion” celebration, nailing 20 of 27 attempts. Slow Mo is up last and as he carefully he banks in most of his attempts, he predictably doesn’t finish in time.

In the final round, we get bad D’Lo. He gets ice in his hands and ends up making just three shots. GMs around the league are perturbed. TP easily defaults to the victory due to everyone else’s inconsistencies and violations.

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Photo by Joseph Guzy/NBAE via Getty Images

Aura Slam Dunk Contest

Participants:

• Anthony Edwards
• Naz Reid
• Rudy Gobert
• Josh Minott

Aura sponsors the final event of Saturday’s festivities. There is talk circulating that the Wolves secured this sponsor by promising them that Anthony Edwards would jump over the hood of an Aura robot security guard. Ant denies the request. Alex Rodriguez begins sweating profusely, worried about financial issues.

Leo’s Prediction: First up is Rudy Gobert, who continuously fumbles the ball while trying to toss himself alley-oop dunks with a Jeremy Evans jersey on. He redundantly over-celebrates with a French flag after each eventual make, which does not entertain guest judges Rasho Nesterović and Alexey Shved. He is unceremoniously eliminated in the first round. Naz Reid performs surprisingly athletic windmills and between the legs dunks, but keeps falling down after every make. Chris Finch freaks out and forces Naz to withdraw from the competition before he potentially injures himself.

Josh Minott advances to the final round after he dons a Zach LaVine pajama sleeve jersey and throws down a disgusting 360 jam from the free throw line. Jaden McDaniels celebrates on the sideline by doing the full Evolution of Hip Hop dance routine. After easily advancing to the final round, Anthony Edwards unveils a 2000 Olympics Team USA Vince Carter jersey and jumps over Rudy Gobert, who’s holding Ant Jr. in his arms. The crowd goes wild and when Ant picks up his dog in celebration, it reveals a poop stain on Rudy’s chest.

“It’s ova!!!!!”

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Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

Wonder All-Star Game

Participants:

• Kyle Anderson (10.95)
• Anthony Edwards (10.57)
• Taurean Prince (10.80)
• Jaden McDaniels (10.29)
• Naz Reid (9.87)
• Austin Rivers (9.03)
• Luka Garza (8.26)
• Rudy Gobert (8.11)
• Nathan Knight (6.82)
• D’Angelo Russell (6.24)

Before the start of the game, Marc Lore goes on a long spiel about how well his new food delivery app, Wonder, is doing. He lets all 612 fans in attendance know that they will be getting 20% off their first order on Wonder by using coupon code SHOESOFF. The 10 All-Stars were selected based on official Canis Pulsus scores which results in Kyle Anderson and Anthony Edwards as the two respective captains. They choose their team live on the court.

As the leading vote-getter, Anderson smartly selects Jaden McDaniels with the first pick. Ant audibly blurts out the F-word into his microphone on accident. He looks up and down the line and announces, “Oh, I got my boy, Lo.” He appears unexcited about selecting Russell. Next, Anderson goes with his fellow vet and new three-point champion, Taurean Prince. Ant opts for vibes leader, Naz Reid. Anderson counters with Nathan Knight as his starting big. Things start getting awkward as Ant picks his locker room neighbor, Austin Rivers. Anderson sighs as he looks at his remaining two options. “I’m gonna need another floor spacer on my team. Hm. I’ll go with Luka, fasho.” Gobert uncomfortably shuffles over to Ant’s team as Edwards attempts to cheer him up, saying he just forgot to pick him earlier. He also apologizes for the mess Ant Jr. made on him during the dunk contest.

Photo by David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images

Team Slow Mo:

Anderson / Prince / McDaniels / Knight / Garza

Team Ant:

Rivers / Russell / Edwards / Reid / Gobert

Leo’s Prediction: The 20-minute game begins with a huge run by Team Slow Mo, meeting no defensive resistance on the court. Their team captain acts as a poor slow man’s Giannis, running a five-out offense. TP, Big Mac, Nate, and Luka spread Team Ant all over the court, raining in triples. They go up by 20 points early and maintain a comfortable lead throughout the first 10-minute half. Rudy Gobert stews about not getting the ball from his teammates.

In typical Ant-fashion, the Wolves homerun hitter finally starts getting loose late. Fatigue sets in for Anderson and Prince, as they allow Ant to start flying to the rim at will. D’Lo jealously looks on and uses Ant’s momentum to go on a hot streak, draining multiple three pointers in a row to bring it to a one-possession game with under a minute remaining. TP cools D’Lo off by openly teasing him about his terrible finish in the 3-point contest finals.

Photo by Stephen Maturen/Getty Images

After Garza airballs a wide open trey to try to seal the game for Team Slow Mo, Ant has one more chance with his team down one, 20-seconds on the clock. Big Mac, Anderson, and Garza all swarm him as soon as he crosses half court, forcing him to lob it over to Rudy at the top of the arc. Gobert attempts to run a final handoff to Ant who’s slashing over towards him, but a surprise!

The Stifle Tower has had enough. From being left off the NBA All-Star team, to being the last pick in even the Wolves All-Star game, Rudy dusts off all his negative thoughts and fakes the handoff to Ant. Instead, he spins to faceup towards the rim with defenders leaving him unguarded. There’s not a defender within 10 feet of him. Rudy remembers the airball he shot in ninth game of the season against Milwaukee. He launches an awkward looking three pointer and prays to Chris(t) Johnson himself. The red lights go off behind the backboard, right as the ball swishes through net.

Game: Team Ant.

Crunch shoots “I <3 PAT BEV” t-shirts out of a t-shirt cannon. Karl-Anthony Towns embraces his partner, Jordyn Woods, and celebrate with a kiss. Rivers jumps on the scorers table to hype up his crowd, hoping he’s made his dad proud. Ant scrambles to find Rudy’s French flag that he kept using during the dunk contest. Team Slow Mo shrug and laugh in disbelief. Rudy finds the nearest camera and yells: “Les Loups sont de retour!”

Jeffrey Swinger-USA TODAY Sports

That’s “Wolves back” for you non-French speakers.