24 things that are more fun than watching the Dallas Mavericks this year

Mar 27, 2023 - 11:00 AM

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In an attempt to quantify just how terrible this Dallas Mavericks season has been, I have compiled the following list of 25 things that were more fun for me:

1. Talking about politics with my dad
2. Walking through the kitchen in socks and stepping in water
3. Watching the paper-cut scene from Jack-Ass the Movie
4. Accidentally running over a squirrel
5. Breaking my nose playing football in high school
6. Breaking my foot in high school, having my parents not believe me that it was broken so they wouldn’t take me to the doctor for over three months, and when they finally did it was so messed up I had to have two surgeries
7. Somehow choosing to watch Requiem For a Dream on DVD with my wife the first time she came over to my house 20 years ago (Editor’s note: lol)
8. Somehow choosing to watch Terms of Endearment with my wife while she was dealing with a cancer scare because I didn’t know what the movie was about (Sidenote - my wife is a saint)
9. The time in Junior High when I found out one of my friends had a pool party and invited everyone but me
10. Performing stand-up comedy at a smoke-filled bar on Halloween where people were not only disinterested but actually angry they were being forced to watch stand-up comedy while they were trying to drink
11. Performing stand-up comedy at a nursing home where the patients had no idea what was going on
12. Performing stand-up comedy in a seafood restaurant where the people eating were facing away from us and were not only disinterested but actually angry they were being forced to listen to comedy while they were trying to eat crab legs
13. [Redacted]
14. Stepping on a Lego on a hardwood floor
15. Thinking about how all of my pets will die relatively soon
16. The time we went to a Texas Rangers game and one of the kids projectile vomited all over us, so we had to go all the way back to the hotel covered in puke and then later that night we realized that all of us had food poisoning
17. Being a Dallas Cowboys fan
18. Being a Texas Rangers fan
19. Accidentally cutting a fingernail way too short
20. Getting habanero pepper juice in my eye
21. Having jock itch
22. Stubbing my toe in the middle of the night
23. Having my air-conditioner break in August in East Texas
24. Cleaning horrific bathrooms at the grocery store I worked at in high school

Please feel free to add your own experiences that were better than this season in the comments. And stay tuned for details on a Mavericks fan event I’m planning where we’ll fill the AAC and burn it to the ground with all of us inside it. I will be sewn up into the carcass of a bear like in Midsommar. The flame will be lit by Mavs Man, as the prophecy foretold. The end is near my friends, and it will be a lot more fun than this season has been.