Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week Six

Oct 7, 2022 - 4:01 PM

Fall is in in the air in my part of town, which means I get to finally start eating carbs again as I hide my many shames behind curtains of flannel and fleece and more shame.

You can have the Summer of George. Now is the time for Uncle Ben to spread his wings, slurp on $3 High Life’s (High Lives? High’s Life?) in crowded bars on fall Saturday’s and leave the foolishness that poisons TV on Sunday for the fools. If you watched even a second of the shit sandwich we were served on Thursday Night Football, then I have no space for you in my circle.

I took back my Sunday’s many years ago. I was reminded of this by the following A+ headline from a local news source, writing about the farmer’s market just a short walk from my stoop:

No shower? No problem! I’m going full granola, boning up on all varieties of mushroom, and sinking my teeth into a tomato before a crowd of distressed onlookers. “You bite it you bought it,” the farmhand will chortle.

They meant it as a threat, but I took it as a promise.

1. Wisconsin (2-3, 0-2)

Wisconsin gets the top spot this week simply for having the courage to take a fucking hint and stop trying to pursue someone who opens all your Snapchats but doesn’t respond to any of your DMs.

I’m putting these sad sacks up front in the hopes someone with any iota of power at Iowa reads this Athletic piece on Paul Chryst’s demise and exhibits even the most elementary form of self-awareness and introspection.

To wit:

Good thing Iowa isn’t hitching its wagon to any particular player right now!

Guys on staff and on the roster have been doing so well, why change a thing?

While I don’t think Kirk Ferentz has any friends, he does have sons. So many sons. And sons-in-law!

One other nugget from the piece is the fact Chryst hired Eric Johnson to help with recruiting last year. Yes, that Eric Johnson, the one of Butterburger acclaim. Has a lot changed in the recruiting world since Johnson last worked in football, in 2013? Just like the Butterburger recipe, the answer must be no!

2. Illinois (4-1, 1-1)

Tell ya what, when you get the satisfaction of going back to your old house and not flushing after making a big Number Two you get to be ... #2.

3. Ohio State (5-0, 2-0)

Kudos to OSU for scoring a clean seven touchdowns against Rutgers.

When the dust settles on the season, and after the Buckeyes get sloshed by Oklahoma State in the playoff, we’ll decide that this might be the weakest Big Ten we’ve seen in quite some time, and maybe, just maybe, USC and UCLA are actually the ones saving us, and not the other way around.

4. Michigan (5-0, 2-0)

Ready to truther the absolute hell out of this Michigan team that almost let a buttcheeks Iowa squad back into the game with eight minutes to go. I’d love to watch Penn State & Michigan go toe-to-toe next week, but I’ve already got a tee time in frigid temperatures in northern Wisconsin.

5. Penn State (5-0, 2-0)

Congrats on squeaking out a good win over Big Ten West leader Northwestern! Iowa only beat them by five last year with a backup QB, so you should feel really good about Sean Clifford’s line of 10-20 for 140 yards and an interception.

6. Rutgers (3-2, 0-2)

They went up 7-0 on Ohio State, so that’s progress.

7. Purdue (3-2, 1-1)

I am vibing Purdue to go on a tear here for no other reason than I have a stupid wagers on it winning the West and winning over 7.5 games.

The good news is the Big Ten is the Big Ten:

8. Maryland (4-1, 1-1)

So Maryland might be good, but Michigan State is definitely bad but Mike Locksley is still the coach and Taulia Tagovailoa is still the quarterback and who am I kidding, the Crabfeeders might not win another game.

9. Iowa (3-2, 1-1)

The only nice thing I can say about Iowa here is that it can’t get any worse, right? The way I see it, the only way to combat the inevitable mass of attrition we’ll see in the offseason, we’ve got to either 1. polish the turd that is this season and basically win out or 2. roll out the carpet and bend the knee for Bret fucking Bielema.

Letting Bert take the scalp of his former employer and alma mater in back-to-back weeks? There isn’t enough cinnamon whiskey and pole grease in the lower 48.

10. Minnesota (4-1, 1-1)

Oh, Mohamed Ibrahim sat out this week due to an ankle injury? TMinnesota lost a crucial game that would’ve put it in the driver’s seat for the West? And the Gophers only rushed for 35 yards against lowly Purdue?

Who.

Could’ve.

Predicted?

Who!?

11. Northwestern (1-4, 1-1)

Did you see the fancy shmancy new plans for Northwestern’s football facilities? Do you know how pointless this idea is?

The city of Evanston has to approve these plans! The only thing Evanston loves more than Northwestern athletic failure is gentrification.

12. Michigan State (2-3, 0-2)

Mel Tucker is going to coach this game against OSU in shorts and a t-shirt in the hopes his Grecian calves heat up his cool seat.

13. Nebraska (2-3, 1-1)

I haven’t started the new Dahmer series yet, but I imagine if he was still at large today, he’d force his victims to watch Nebraska-Rutgers.

14. Indiana (3-2, 1-1)

Speaking of coach firings, which loss to an M school does Tom Allen get canned after? Michigan, Maryland, or Michigan State?