William Wallace was a Coug, according to the Gamble-Tron’s sources

Nov 25, 2022 - 4:10 AM

Welcome to rivalry week, where schools across the land take on their most-despised rival, which is populated mostly by people who are pretty much the same, except that they’re all a bunch of cheating cheaters who cheat! And we hate them for the cheaters that they are! Even though most of the players in the actual game had never heard about what terrible people their opponents are until like a week before the game!

Given all of that, it’s time to talk about that bunch of entitled and sanctimonious p***ks who come from that school over the mountains and wear purple which is pretty much the worst color in the history of ever! But seriously that last part is true. Well, the whole paragraph is true.

About that cover photo - it is a statue of William Wallace, the legendary warrior who fought for Scottish independence from the evil, expansionist English. Although he was vastly outmanned and outgunned by the British crown - which color is associated with royalty again? - he refused to genuflect. Wallace was so effective that the evil and entitled King Edward I, aka Edward Longshanks, went to Scotland himself to try and quash Wallace’s Scotsmen.

The sanctimonious, entitled and snobbish Edward couldn’t corral Wallace, whose undermanned army continued to harass the English king, taking back Stirling Castle in 1299. Edward went so far as to flout a Papal order which allowed the Scots to rule their ancestral home. Kind of like how Don James refused to quit cheating in the early 90s.

So what’s the point all this? Well, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that Wallace and Longshanks were bitter rivals. Ever the underdog, Wallace had to unite disparate tribes and formulate a fighting force that could hopefully defeat the larger, richer British crown and its army. He ran a campaign of harassment and trash talk, putting thorn after thorn in the crown’s side. Meanwhile, Longshanks was born between third base and home plate, believing that his birthright was dominion over the entirety of Britain.

In other words, Wallace was a Coug, and the entitled, self-important Longshanks - described by historian Bishop William Stubbs as “a self-interested leader, who used the mass of the people as a check upon his hereditary foes among the greater baronage.” Yep, sounds like a Husky to me.

So let’s go, Cougs. Make the Apple Cup your own Stirling Castle, and stick it to those goddamn Washington Longshanks.

All odds courtesy of DraftKings.

Last Week: 9-5 (with this last-second ad)

We were pretty sure Miami’s “quit factor” was near 10.0, and we were right.

Season Total: 112-85

Best Call of the Weekend

Stanford Cardinal at Cal Bears (-4.5)

Stanford is getting less fewer, dammit, fewer(!!!) than 10 points? Come on. Plus, Cal will inevitably benefit from the dead cat bounce that always results when the head coach fires a bunch of assistants. Yeah, Justin, because those guys were the problem. What is a problem? The Stanford offense. And the Stanford defense. And, well, pretty much everything about Stanford.

The Pick: Cal / Stanford Team Total Under 20.5

So, this was an adventure. Stanford scored 10 points in the first quarter, and led Cal into the 4th. Thankfully, Stanford finally realized that the whole winning (let alone spread-beating) thing wasn’t its bag, and Cal scored on a fumble, intercepted a pass and scored again enroute to a 27-20 win. The hook saves us again!

We’re not sure if anyone saw the end (the game was decided, and also it was on Pac-12 Nets), but it was a gambling moment for the ages. Trailing 27-17, David Shaw elected to try a “meaningless” 61-yard field goal on the final play. Let’s see what happened next!

You may have noticed that I put quotes around “meaningless”, and that’s because the over/under closed at 46. That, my friends, is an order of magnitude worse than a run-of-the-mill bad beat.

Worse Call of the Weekend

If we’re going by point margin between the line and the final score, Tennessee getting its coonskin cap set aflame in Fayetteville would be the easy call. But I’ll take a few self-lashings instead.

Washington State Cougars at Arizona Wildcats (+4.5)

I was rather shocked when WSU opened as a favorite, let alone with points north of a field goal. Road game against a dangerous opponent that still has a bowl season within reach, along with a solid - if knuckleheaded - quarterback and multiple receivers who should play in the NFL. Meanwhile, WSU’s offense is still far from consistent, and the defense hasn’t faced an attack like the one Arizona presents since early October. Gimme those points.

The Pick: Arizona

I think I nailed the WSU offense part, seeing as how it didn’t find the end zone over the game’s final 32 minutes. But for the umpteenth time, I underestimated the Cougar defense. The game plan and execution to mitigate de Laura’s running were near perfect. The Coug defenders kept de Laura in the pocket and he made mistake after mistake. And those NFL-bound receivers, Cowing and McMillan? They were...fine, but didn’t make any sort of significant impact.

Gut Punch of the Weekend

Ole Miss Rebels at Arkansas Razorbacks (Total = 65.5)

Everybody wants to get in, play for 2.8 hours, and get the hell out.

The Pick: Under

What if I told you that Ole Miss would have all of six points after three quarters? You’d be pretty confident that the Under would cash, yes? Me too! Things got a little dicey in garbage time, as Ole Miss added some inconsequential scores. Even so, we were nursing our way toward the cash window as Ole Miss faced 4th-and-16 with fewer than three minutes to go. Jaxson Dart drops back to pass, throws deep aaaaaand it’s incomplete! We’ve done it!

FLAG ON THE PLAY. Of f***ing course.

The refs call an extremely shaky pass interference penalty on the Hogs, and naturally, the Rebels tack on another garbage time score on the next play. Your final score, Arkansas 42, Ole Miss 27. Thanks a lot, Lane. Best of luck at Auburn.

Pac-12 Picks

Washington Huskies at Washington State Cougars (+1.5)

I’ll definitely watch. After a two-year reprieve, I’ll definitely suffer. And we all know what became of William Wallace.

The Pick: Washington

Arizona State Sun Devils at Arizona Wildcats (-3.5)

The battle for the Territorial Cup is once again for little more than pride, as neither team is good enough to have won requisite six games. The Cats own the series edge, but ASU has dominated of late, winning five in a row, including a 70-burger in 2020. The thought here is Jayden doesn't take things so personally this week, and makes enough plays to get the cup back south.

The Pick: Wilbur

UCLA Bruins at Cal Golden Bears (+10)

I know UCLA is coming off a gut punch loss, which could portend a letdown, but if it can't bounce back and wipe the floor with a bad Cal team, what are we even doing here?

The Pick: Bruins / Under 61.5

Utah Utes at Colorado Buffaloes (+30)

This is the fourth consecutive week that Colorado has been an underdog of 30 or more points. I haven’t looked it up due to abject laziness, but I’d guess that very few Pac-12 teams, if any, have been that large an underdog, that many weeks in a row. Utah needs to win in order to stay alive for the Pac-12 title game. Colorado needs to lose in order to have a shot at the Pac-12’s number one draft pick. That’s how it works, right? Oh, and about those 30+ points spreads, the favorite has covered every one of them.

The Pick: Utah

Oregon Ducks at Oregon State Beavers (+3)

I don’t have any hard evidence to back this up, but it feels like a lot of folks are backing the Beavs here. Not me.

The Pick: Oregon / Under 59

Notre Dame Fighting Irish at USC Trojans (-5)

Tough call here, as Notre Dame has been all over the map this year, and doesn’t have a quarterback who can, ya know, pass. The Irish can definitely pound the ball in the run game, but I don’t know that it can keep pace with USC, especially since the Trojans have their eyes on a CFP spot.

The Pick: USC

BYU Cougars at Stanford Cardinal (+6.5)

BYU is incredibly disappointing. Stanford is exactly what we though it would be before the season began. And yet, it still beat Notre Dame, which BYU couldn’t do! I have no idea what to make of this nonsense, so I’ll do what has been successful, bet against Stanford.

The Pick: BYU / Under 58 / Stanford team total Under 25.5

The Rest of Rivalry Week

Florida Gators at Florida State Seminoles (-9.5)

FSU has been really good since the Clemson loss. Florida hasn’t been good in a while.

The Pick: Noles

LSU Tigers at Texas A&M Aggies (+10)

LSU is playing for a CFP invite and New Year’s Six spot. A&M, uh, isn’t.

The Pick: LSU / A&M Team total Under 18.5

Happy ignoring your family week.

Odds/lines subject to change. T&Cs apply. See draftkings.com/sportsbook for details.