Dawgs: Ranked

Dec 3, 2022 - 1:30 PM

You know I don’t really have a problem with the University of Georgia.

I’ve made a couple of Dawgs fans on Twitter and some of those friendships have extended into real life; and even though Georgia’s maybe the college football program currently I don’t mind have the same level of disdain* for them as I do Alabama, Clemson, Notre Dame, or Texas.

*And yes that’s probably owed to LSU historically owning this matchup! I was a freshman in Tiger Band when LSU whipped Georgia in Atlanta in 2011, and I went with friends to the 2019 game

Now I want to preface this by saying all dogs are very good bois and deserve all the boops and pets possible...

H O W E V E R

This guy?

Photo by David J. Griffin/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

It’s on sight, UGA X. Meet me at the Sonic on Burbank if you’re ready to get your ass whipped.

In the spirit of the college football playoff season, I want to do my best CFP committee impression and arbitrarily rank a bunch of dogs. Let’s get into it!

LAST: Scrappy Doo

Remember how I said all dogs are good? That doesn’t apply to the annoying as hell nephew of Scooby Doo. Fuck you, Scrappy!

14. The Pit Bull from John Wick

Evan wouldn’t talk to me ever again if I didn’t include this John Wick reference

13. Slinky, from Toy Story

First movie I ever saw was Toy Story and Slinky’s great

12. Max, from How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The original Grinch is, of course, superior but when the Max from the 2000 live action movie takes off the nose Jim Carrey gave him it might be the funniest moment in cinema.

Give that dog an Oscar

11. Hercules aka The Beast, from The Sandlot

Hercules has the size and speed to cover Brock Bowers, get him to Atlanta stat

10. Clifford

I wonder what Norman Birdwell’s pitch for Clifford was. I imagine it was very similar to George Costanza in “The Pitch”

“He’s big and he’s read. That’s it, that’s the story.”

9. Butler Blue

Photo by Zach Bolinger/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Butler Blue drives a better car than I do. I have been alpha’d

8. Joe Burrow

Photo by Don Juan Moore/Getty Images

Not an actual dog but there’s no doubt HE GOT THAT DAWG IN HIM THO

7. IDK Air Bud?

I’m not having as much fun with this anymore but I’m in too deep to stop so I’m just going to blog through it

6. Einstein, from Back to the Future

Einstein literally time travelled, what’s the most impressive thing YOU’VE done with your life?

5. Scooby Doo

The American icon himself but also uncle to the aforementioned Scrappy Doo. Unfortunately that’ll keep him out of the top-four.

4. Baxter, from Anchorman

He ate a whole cheese wheel and survived getting punted off a bridge. Incredible dog.

3. Snoopy

Peanuts is near and dear to my heart, and Snoopy is a big reason why. I watch the Charlie Brown holiday specials (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter) every year and will continue to do so until I die

2. My Dog Tucker

Look at him. Only reason I didn’t put him first is because he’s snuck into the kitchen to eat something off our countertop far too many times. But look at his face.

1. Ladybird, from King of the Hill

“She’s a purebred Georgia bloodhound. Her momma tracked down James Earl Ray.”