TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Houston Texans Get Their Man!!!!

Feb 3, 2023 - 9:00 PM

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HOUSTON – It is indeed strange times around the Houston Texans offices. Local medical staff reported a massive uptick in the number of staffers visiting their clinics, reporting strange symptoms they could not adequately describe or understand. One med tech (wishing to remain unnamed to maintain objectivity) offered Totally Not Fake News the following:

“It has been kinda strange to see all of these people. They seemed so scared to talk with us. Then again, it has only been in the past few months that anyone has felt open enough to talk with us. Yet, starting Wednesday night/Thursday morning, we got more than a few panicky people reporting to our med techs complaining about these weird feelings. They were concerned when they looked at the social media feeds and saw so much…happy news. People reported feeling light-footed, and some strange emotions that older hands called ‘happiness’ and ‘optimism’. Some complained about a strange reaction with their facial muscles when they got into the office. Many reported some pain associated with lack of use of those specific muscles, which our consultations with city and state medical officials indicated that the ‘facial condition’ is associated with the act of smiling. People were genuinely confused when we told them that they showed symptoms of joy, happiness and/or relief”

“They were stunned. ‘Joy? What is that? Is it chronic? Long-term? Fatal?’ We spent so much time reviewing the concept and symptoms for them. Had to debunk some health/vaccination myths as well, but by the end of the day, most of the people seemed ok with the diagnosis…and actually rather enjoyed the results. As one of the staffers noted, ‘We haven’t had these feelings in a long time.’”

Analysis of visits to Texans’ health officials spiked after the announcement by the Houston Texans of the hiring of its sixth full time coach, DeMeco Ryans, formerly the defensive coordinator of the San Francisco 49ers. Ryans also played for the Houston Texans from 2006 to 2011, before a trade to the Philadelphia Eagles. He spent his coaching career with the 49ers prior to this week. The news of the hire was met with something not seen in recent Texans history: near-universal praise.

We at Totally Not Fake News say “near”, because in this polarized society, there will always be contrarians. A few of those inputs:

“Whoopie…biiiiiggggg deal. So you hired Ryans? Not like we really wanted him, or tried to recruit him multiple times, using our history and fanbase, and some negative recruiting tactics by showing him the archive of Totally Not Fake News reporting about how dysfunctional the Texans are. Ah well, you go ahead and be happy with ol’ DeMeco. We got the REAL catch of the coaching season. Sean Payton. And well only had to sacrifice a first and second round pick. Who needs draft picks when you got Russell Wilson and his super-duper stealing money, er, stellar money play. [Easterby], he passed for more TDs than his mansion has bathrooms. Who wouldn’t want that?”
– Unnamed Denver Broncos staffer.

Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images

“Awww, you guys are soooo excited about Ryans. That’s cute. Whatever makes you feel better. You are going to need it once we unleash a full season of the coaching power that is Jeff Saturday. Don’t need any of that ‘experience’ or ‘minimal coaching acumen’ when you got THE Jeff Saturday. Yes Associated Press, I said THE Jeff Saturday. He’s gonna…wait, hold on….no, I am just talking with the media. Why are you acting all upset? My media appearances discussing coaches are must-see TV. Besides, I am tired of fair-to-middling teams. Since Andrew Luck is all content to be a like a normal person and not want to play football which could further injure his body and mind, we gotta do something. Saturday will come through, just like he did so much this past season….Hey, sorry about that. Just my daughter, who is trying to help on the coaching search…so, where were we, and who are you again????”
– Unnamed Indianapolis Colts Senior-Most Official.

Photo by AAron Ontiveroz/MediaNews Group/The Denver Post via Getty Images

“They missed the boat. There was the “Chosen One” always out there. He would have been the one to get the Texans to glory. He would have been the one that would have made me, er, the team, the greatest, most-est super-duper powerfullest of all the Executive Vice Presidents of Football Operations. He would have…oh, wait, yes, sorry…here is your pizza, and thanks for the tip. Anyway…”
– Strange Street Preacher Moonlighting as Papa John’s Driver.

Maria Lysaker-USA TODAY Sports

Additionally, Totally Not Fake News received insider insight into the discussions that lead to the final decision to hire Ryans:

“Well, it was quite the meeting. Held it shortly after the second interview. Cal was in his office, along with Hannah, Janice, Nick (Caserio), Toro and some other officials. He [Cal] was all ‘Well, looks like DeMeco may be the guy. Nick, you good with him?’

Nick Caserio sighed ‘Yeah, sure, he will work out. I mean, he ain’t a Patriots’ guy, and apparently Gannon does not want to leave a Super Bowl favorite team, which is most unfortunate, but sure, I guess Ryans is as good as any.’

Cal then proceeded ‘Ok, before we do the second interview and make the offer, is there anyone else we should consider? Do we want to revisit Sean Payton?’

Nick was ‘[Easterby] no!!!! I ain’t givin’ up any of our first rounders to New Orleans. Bad enough we gave up the #1 overall to ONE NFC team. I’ll be [Easterbyed] if I surrender another first, or a [Easterby] sixth…[Easterby] Lovie!!!”

‘Besides, you remember how Payton dunked on us on Cowherd?’ chimed in Toro.

‘Point taken. Ok, but I still feel like I should consider one more guy…anyone have the number to the football offices for Marvin Ridge High School?’

‘Oh no, not this [Easterby] again?!?!’ Caserio lamented.

‘Cal, we talked about this. We agreed not to do this to the team and franchise, to consider…THAT…option.’ Hannah noted in a calm, yet warning tone.

‘Cal…I’m not paying more of our dwindling finances on another botched coaching move. We are already paying for two ex-coaches. We need to get this one right.’ Janice also chimed.

‘Look, I know that. Still, I would feel better…’ Cal started to reach for his phone.

‘CAAALLLL!!!!’ Hannah and Janice roared.

‘Come on, it is just one call, one interview…’ Cal retorted.

‘CAL!’ This time the entire room roared as they all rose as one, with Toro starting to turn bright red and Caserio twitching as if he was about to pounce/attack.

‘Ok…ok…I…I…I won’t do it. Hannah, call down to the front office. Have them set aside time on my schedule. Yes, cancel the Gordon Ramsey cooking class AND The Last of Us Tutorials. Nick, let’s get ready to hire another coach…one that will stay around awhile.’”

Photo by Ken Murray/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

And so it went. The Texans set out the welcome committee, this time in person, and despite the last minute recruiting blitz from an organization based out of Colorado, which is still denying those actions, DeMeco Ryans accepted a six year deal, and the Texans got a new coach. Will it lead to new and better on-field results? To be determined.