Ways Kroger could sponsor the Cincinnati Reds for $5 million

Feb 3, 2023 - 4:37 PM

We knew long ago that the 2023 Major League Baseball season would be one of change. We knew the shift was going to be severely restricted from its go-go days, and that the bases would be enlarged, too.

We also knew that teams would, for the first time, be able to wear patches on their uniforms from sponsors. Yesterday, we learned that the Cincinnati Reds would be partnering with logal übercompany Kroger, sporting a season-long patch in exchange for $5 million of Kroger’s überbucks.

We know that $5 million will likely be sent directly to payments for the gas, water, and electric bills at GABP, but here at Red Reporter we often turn to metaphors, similes, and comparisons to help relay things in a more consumable manner - especially on Fridays.

This Friday we have provided you with an incomplete list of ways that Kroger could fork over $5 million worth of goods to the Reds during the 2023 season in lieu of a mere patch on the sleeve, with some of those goods serving more of a purpose for a 26-man baseball roster than others.

• 1,930,502 4-packs of Jell-O Original Strawberry Gelatin Cups
• 4,201,681 1-lb boxes of Arm & Hammer Pure Baking Soda
• 6,012,024 individual Thomas’ Pre-Sliced Plain Bagels
• 435,161 20-lb containers of Tidy Cats 24/7 Performance Clumping Multi-Cat Litter or 1 (one) tiny-ass scoop of LightWeight Tidy Cats 24/7 Performance Clumping Multi-Cat Litter
• 556,174 30-oz bags of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Baked Goldfish Crackers
• 367,918 lbs of Choice Boneless Ribeye Steak
• 1 (one) bottle of Children’s Tylenol, the single most rare & precious item on earth
• 1,858,736 24-oz tubs of 2% Lowfat Small Curd Cottage Cheese
• 6,329,114 Medium Avocados or 7 Large Organic Avocados
• 5,263,158 Fuji apples
• 9 Organic Honeycrisp apples
• 4,201,681 packets of Taco Bell™ Mild Taco Seasoning Mix
• 863,558 8.3-oz squeeze bottles of Sir Kensington’s Keto & Paleo Garlic Dairy-Free Everything Sauce Dressing Dip Angels of Anaheim
• 500,501 1-lb packets of farm-raised fresh Atlantic salmon filets or 5 1-lb packets of the oranger salmon filets laying right next to them
• 625,782 8-oz wheels of Alouette Double-Cream Brie (that’s 312,891 lbs of brie)
• 454,959 Oxo Soft-Works Potato Mashers (in black)
• 161,342 30-oz tubs of Johnny Bench Approved Blue Emu® Original Super Strength Topical Cream
• 302,297 11-oz cans of Johnny Bench Approved Krylon ColorMaxx Indoor/Outdoor Silver Metallic Spray & Primer that will not run, not drip, and not err
• 6 white eggs

Photo by Emilee Chinn/Cincinnati Reds/Getty Images