Yeah, No, Pero: Salty Hoosiers Moving State Capital to Miami County, Indiana

Mar 21, 2023 - 4:30 PM

Welcome back State of the U readers to our series “Yeah, No, Pero...” a review of off-topic subjects about University of Miami fandom. Here we will explore the peculiar, quirky, irreverent, fringe, and sometimes odd subjects that help define the phrase: “It’s a Canes Thing, U Wouldn’t Understand.” Today’s (totally real and not at all satirical) headline...

Salty Hoosiers Forced to Move State Capital to Miami County

In reaction to Indiana being swept by the University of Miami’s men’s and women’s basketball teams in their respective NCAA tournaments, Hoosier insiders are reporting that Indiana Governor Eric Holcomb is reluctantly relocating the state capital to Miami County, Indiana.

Yes, that’s a real place! The county seat appropriately has Latin roots - Peru, Indiana.

Photo by: Universal History Archive/Universal Images Group via Getty Images

Miami County, Indiana will be a fabulous new center of the state. As of 2020, there are 35,962 residents in Miami County, all undoubtably current or future Hurricanes fans. The capital move will only be minimally inconvenient to those governing the state since Miami County is a modest 89 miles north of Indianapolis. Top tourist destinations include two apple orchards and a small river.

Reports are that Indiana fans and residents are already embracing their new Miami state of mind!!

Much to our shock, and honor, Indiana state officials exclusively commissioned ‘Yeah, No, Pero’ to propose celebratory capital monument designs! After a rigorous submission process calling upon the finest architects, engineers, and extremely humble Hurricanes fans, we have prepared a few excellent options we are recommending the Hoosier state legislature plant in Miami County, Indiana.

A Massive ñ in Honor of Coach L

Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images

There could be no better tribute to Jim Larrañaga than taking his distinctive ñ and erecting it in rural Indiana. Just replace the “n” in “Miami County Courthouse” with an oversized ñ. Henceforth, as local Indiana residents enter the most historic building in the county, they can thoughtfully gaze upward and be reminded of Hurricanes’ judgment laid down upon the Hoosiers in March, 2023.

An Electronic Billboard Playing a Perpetual Loop of Cavinder Twins Tik Toks

Photo by Joe Robbins/NCAA Photos via Getty Images

Miami’s brightest NIL stars, who sit at the center of the NCAA’s first NIL sanctions (a very non-satirical article is forthcoming on that absolute horse@#*! situation), deserve memorialization in Miami County. Our suggestion for the feature clip is Haley Cavinder offering a post free throw “shush” to ensure the Miami County residents maintain the town’s charming tranquility just like Haley enjoyed after hitting clutch free throws in Skjodt Assembly Hall.

A Miami Themed Circus

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Peru, the seat of Miami County, is called “the circus capital of the world.” Apparently 150 years ago, the town had a lot of circus folk regularly visiting. It seems there hasn’t been much of a circus there since the Nixon administration, but it also seems that the nickname stuck. And folks accuse Hurricanes football fans of holding on to the past...

Miami can absolutely capture this circus spirit! Envision passing through an art deco designed façade to arrive at three “U” shaped rings featuring acts such as gator handling, Jai alai cesta trick shots, and a band assembled entirely of the finest pot-bangers from Calle Ocho. The Hoosiers will love it!

These monuments and state capital relocation naturally will remain in affect until at least next years Big Ten/ACC challenge. Enjoy it Hoosier fans, I know Hurricanes fans will.