A Rams retirement gift for Tom Brady

Feb 2, 2023 - 11:00 PM

Fans across the NFL rejoiced when Tom Brady announced his retirement on Wednesday. Whoop, whoop. You can forgive me for being a little hesitant before going crazy on the celebrating but didn’t he just do this last season, only to come back a month later? Curse you Adam Schefter! If you didn’t have to be the first to announce every nugget of NFL news, the league would’ve rid themselves of TB12 sooner.

Anyways, the Los Angeles Rams have locked horns with the one they call the GOAT on several occasions the last 23 years. Many of their matchups have ended in heartbreak but there have been a few triumphs of note.

As a gift to Tom Brady who better be retired “for good” or I STG, I’ve penned a little tribute to him on behalf of the Rams. I was ready to publish this last season but then Brady unretired and ruined the moment much like he’s ruined everything else! (*Breathe Evan breathe*)

So without further ado, here is a very heartfelt Rams retirement gift for Tom Brady:

Dearest Tom Brady,

We should’ve known you were trouble from the very first moment you ran onto the Superdome turf that fateful February 2002 afternoon. It was our time to shine. The Greatest Show on Turf was supposed to be a dynasty, going for our second Super Bowl title in three seasons. We were favored by 14 points and then you dinked and dunked our hearts to pieces with your final drive.

20-17 Patriots. First of six with the Patriots. Seven rings total. Our last Super Bowl appearance until the 2018 season where we came across you yet again on the grandest stage. Dang man, wasn’t one against us good enough for you?!

Our defense came to play that game with the game tied 3-3 entering the fourth quarter. We even picked off your very first pass of the game. Our only highlight of that painfully boring game. Then you decided to be a superhero and rainbow a perfect pass to your bestie Gronk which essentially ended the game.

I won’t even fault you for that game. It was our bad for trotting out Jared Goff. We thought he was ready for the big moments. Boy were we wrong.

It wasn’t just the Super Bowls that hurt us. You went 6-4 lifetime against us, split between our time in St. Louis and Los Angeles. We’re unfortunately a significant part of your story. That’s been a hard pill to swallow but last year’s title helped ease the pain a little. Well, between that and therapy.

Ever since losing our first meeting in the regular season prior to winning Super Bowl XXXVI, you never lost again to us in a Pats uniform. Most of our ensuing battles were bloodbaths. From the 40-22 beatdown of ‘04, to the 45-7 shellacking across the pond, many tears stained our Kurt Warner and Aaron Donald jerseys. Stains that’ll never come out. At least do us a favor and please cover our dry cleaning fees.

Actually maybe we should thank you for helping get Jeff Fisher fired. He signed a contract extension prior to our matchup in 2016 and your Patriots killed us 26-10. Okay forget the dry cleaning, we’re (almost) even now.

While we could barely beat you in New England, Tompa Bay was a different story. We started 0-3 against you in a Bucs jersey up until Week 9 in 2022. Yeah we had you on the ropes but it was our fault for playing way too soft and giving up 60 yards in 35 seconds. When will we ever learn?

Still, that wasn’t how things were supposed to end. You were supposed to lose in last year’s Divisional Round on our way to a second title in franchise history. Sure we almost blew a 27-3 lead but we roared back with a vengeance.

Don’t you see? Your superstardom began with a win over us in the Big Game. We were supposed to end your career by sending you out with a loss. That’s the circle of life my friend and you wrecked it completely.

Instead, you decided to go out with a loss to the Cowboys in the Wild Card Round. Do you realize the damage you’ve caused? Followers of America’s Team will be even more obnoxious knowing their Cowboys sent Tom Brady into retirement. It was supposed to be us. We were going to be America’s Team.

Tom, we can go on and on for hours but what’s the point? You often bested us over the course of your career and we tip our cap to you. Happy retirement and feel free to be a stranger anytime. Seriously, we would prefer not to go through this crap again next offseason.

A respectful loathing always,

The Rams

P.S. - Can’t wait to hear you in the broadcast booth. Hope you aren’t as annoying as Cris Collinsworth.